When it comes to sex, many of us carry questions we don’t know how to ask, concerns we aren’t sure are “normal,” or expectations about what our sex lives are supposed to look like. We may wonder how often we should be having sex, why we don’t feel desire the way our partner does, or why something that used to feel easy suddenly feels complicated.
Sex therapists know that the reality is more nuanced – and much more reassuring.
In our work with individuals and couples, we hear stories about desire, pleasure, sexual functioning, shame, longing, trauma, and countless other experiences that can impact a person’s sexuality. We also see how much pressure people put on themselves to have sex a certain way or meet an imagined standard of “normal.”
What looks like a problem with sex is often related to other factors, such as stress or relationships problems. Also, many of the things people worry are “wrong” may actually be normal variations in sexuality. A dip in desire, a change in sexual functioning, or a shift in what feels pleasurable doesn’t necessarily mean that something is broken.
At the same time, concerns about sex deserve to be taken seriously. Persistent pain, distress, disconnection, difficulty with sexual communication, or marked changes in sexual functioning can impact self-worth and relationships.
We’ll explore seven things many sex therapists wish people knew about sex, and why letting go of some common myths and expectations can create more room for curiosity, communication, pleasure, and connection.
There Is No Single Definition of Normal Sex
One of the most important things sex therapists wish people understood is that there’s no single formula for a satisfying sex life. Sexuality looks different from person to person and can change throughout the course of our lifetime. What worked in one season of life may not work in another. Desire, fantasies, sexual preferences, frequency of sex, and ways of experiencing pleasure vary widely. Sometimes we compare ourselves to friends, social media, movies, or cultural messages and assume everyone else is having better, more frequent, and more satisfying sex. Rather than comparing yourself to some arbitrary standard, focus on what feels healthy, consensual, and satisfying for you and your partner.
Desire Doesn’t Always Come First
Not everyone experiences desire spontaneously. For many people, desire emerges after they begin to feel relaxed, connected, and/or physically aroused. This is responsive desire. Understanding the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire can take the pressure off feeling like you should always be “in the mood” or craving sex before intimacy begins.
Good Sex Is About More Than Performance
Sex isn’t a test you need to pass. When people become focused on whether they’re performing well, lasting long enough, or giving their partner an orgasm, anxiety can get in the way of pleasure. Sex becomes goal-oriented rather than pleasure-focused. Curiosity, presence, communication, and connection often matter more than trying to achieve a particular outcome.
Talking About Sex Can Actually Make Sex Better
Sexual partners aren’t mind readers. Even people who know each other intimately in other areas of life don’t automatically know what feels good to their partner, what their partner wants, or what preferences have changed. I’ve worked with many couples who’ve been together for decades who had never had open and honest conversations about their sexual relationship prior to therapy. Learning to talk openly about boundaries, preferences, and even disappointments can create greater intimacy, not take away from it.
You Don’t Have To Have An Orgasm For Sex To Be Successful
Hear me out. Orgasms are important. But while they can be amazing, they don’t need to be a measure of whether sex was satisfying or successful (again, more goal-oriented thinking). Pleasure, intimacy, excitement, relaxation, playfulness, and emotional connection can all be meaningful parts of a sexual experience. Taking orgasm off the pedestal can actually reduce pressure and make room for more pleasure.
Sexual Problems Are Often About More Than Sex
Desire and sexual functioning can be influenced by numerous factors including anxiety, medication, health problems, past experiences, and feeling uncomfortable in one’s body. Other factors may include increased stress, navigating major life transitions, disconnection in a relationship, or believing something is wrong because their sex life hasn’t unfolded in the way they expected. Addressing the underlying context, not simply trying to “fix” the sexual symptom, is often part of sex therapy.
You Don’t Have To Wait Until Something Is Really Wrong to Seek Help
Sex therapy isn’t only for couples in crisis or individuals with diagnosed sexual dysfunction. It can also be a place to develop sexual confidence, better understand your desires and preferences, improve sexual communication skills, explore changes with your sexuality, and/or create a more satisfying intimate life.
The relationship we have with our sexuality is ever-evolving and something we can continue to learn about through the course of our lives. There is no “standard” or perfect way to have sex, and sex therapy can help you determine what’s going to work for you and your partner.
Ultimately, talking about sex doesn’t have to feel embarrassing or taboo. Asking questions, seeking information, and reaching out for professional support if necessary are all signs that you’re taking your sexual well being and relationships seriously.
If you think sex therapy may be helpful, finding a qualified therapist is an important first step. Certified Sex Therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have received specialized training in working with sexual health concerns. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) maintains a referral directory where you can search for a Certified Sex Therapist (CST) in your state.
